From WANTED: HUSBAND

After they ordered the usual apple pie and coffee, they settled down to business. Rachel said, "Well, what's this great idea you have? Is it something that'll make headlines like 'local girl jumps into river, doesn't drown, the water's only two feet deep.'"

"No, it's something more involved, more serious. It's something that will keep my parents quiet and will give me a lot of peace."

"No, that's impossible. The only thing that will keep your parents quiet is having tape all over their faces. I know, I've thought about doing that to my parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents and all the paesani in a radius of fifty miles. Where the hell could I buy that much tape?"

"Okay, are you gonna shut up and listen to my plan?"

"Oh, sorry, yes, yes. Go on. I'm all ears and ass."

Claudia looked around as though all ears were directed towards their table, waiting to hear this great idea. "Well, I'm going to insert an ad in the "match up" section of the newspapers."

"Oh, Claudia, my dear friend, you have truly lost your marbles. I weep for you."

"No, I haven't. I'm going to insert a very stark ad in the papers. I'm going to word it so that no one, but no one will answer. I'll show it to my parents when it appears in the papers and they'll be expecting answers in the kabillions and when I don't get any, I'll put on a sad puppy face and they may be convinced that they should leave me alone because nobody wants to marry me."

She looked at Rachel; whom she trusted and waited for an answer. Rachel was slow in answering; she was thinking the plot through. "No, it's not gonna work. I'll tell you why. You've already had a few guys who were close to a commitment. You were the one, as usual, to tell them to take a hike. So, your parents know that you're not that undesirable. And you're really gorgeous. Besides, your father may get so upset, he might take you to the convent himself."

"No, I'm going to word it so that my parents will not be able to read between the lines. They'll think it's very intellectual; after all, they know I read a lot and they'll think I'm wording it in fine English to impress Mr. Pain-in-the-ass."

Rachel looked above Claudia's head and as the words sunk in her head, she smiled. "Oh, that sounds so bitchy! That really sounds great. I love it. Remind me to hire you when my parents have pushed me close to the edge. Gee, this coffee is great. The pie is good, too."

"Okay. Now here's what I'm going to write so far and, of course, I'll go over this before I finally submit it."

"Claudia, I see your horns sprouting. Are you sure you're the same girl I made my First Holy Communion with?"

"Yes, yes, I am. Now, let's get started or you'll never get to be my Maid of Honor." Claudia reached into her large purse and removed a pad and pen.

"Okay. Here's what I had in mind so far. 'Wanted: Husband. You must be six feet tall. College graduate; that means professional man, high salary. Unmarried, no kids. Religion, strict Catholic, goes to Mass every Sunday. Must love me, buy me expensive gifts and maybe I'll say thanks. I want love and sex on my terms, no arguments. I have marriage in mind, no hanky-panky or my father will kill you. Then my brother will kill your parents. Reply to Daphne to my address in c/o this newspaper.' How does that sound, stark enough?"

Claudia looked up at Rachel; she who was laughing so hard, she couldn't answer. Claudia smiled. "I knew you would like this. I'll edit this before I insert it. I want anyone who reads this to tremble."

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